Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
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Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
Perfection.
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…