Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
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I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
Google assistant rules
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.