I just stopped by to water my horse.
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My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?