Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
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I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.