Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
You Might Also Like
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
Breaking news:
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
My first son he is wonderful
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking