Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
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Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
This could’ve been an email.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.