I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
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7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
Start the year as you intend to continue.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go