Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
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Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
Support your local cemetery
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”