WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
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[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
I falcon love using swear birds
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
Real House Wines.
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream