It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
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When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.