Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
You Might Also Like
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
yall want some gasoline milk
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
his wife is probably gonna see that
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.