It’s an epidemic…
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Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on