I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
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If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
Simple enough.
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.