“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
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CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*