You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
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[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
Never be a pizza!
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
waiting for halloween be like:
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?