*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
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When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
Unexpected Judgment
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.