“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
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EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.