[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
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I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
Risking my life for fun.
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.