The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
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Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
6. me as a lawyer
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s