[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
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i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.