I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
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Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
Was invited to give a talk about comedy writing to some 8th graders today and at the end the teacher asked what my main advice for kids was and I said invest in fresh water stocks as soon as possible. Wasn’t the vibe, they wrapped me up pretty quick
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth