Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
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me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
This is my bus stop.
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
sliding into dms like
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.