ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
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Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
I’m not average. I’m mean.
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.