I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
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If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
this makes me so uncomfortable
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.