Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
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Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
True
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]