WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
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What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick