Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
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Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
Why does laundry happen to good people?
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
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“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.