My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
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I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber