Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
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Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
Comparing yourself to others
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*