i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
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Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]