Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
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Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom