Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
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Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good