Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
You Might Also Like
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.