BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
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them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
”Been away?”
”Yeah just got back”
”Lucky you, anywhere nice?”
No, I always choose somewhere horrible…
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
Me: Busy day?
Singer: Working on my scales
Map maker: Same
Scale maker: Same
Mountain climber: Same
Guy who draws fish: Same
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”