The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
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“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
🤣😈🤣
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….