Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
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Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
Can’t. Being lazy.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do