my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
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*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
My ideal weight is five million dollars
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free