i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
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Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*