Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
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Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
you have three unread messages
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
house sitting!
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”