GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
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[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!