Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
You Might Also Like
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
three things we don’t talk about
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
Bit chilly again tonight.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is