Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
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This is my emotional support online shopping cart
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
Seas the day!!!!
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
it’s either covid or clever vampires
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?