Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
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I triple waxed for this?
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.