There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
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imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
congratulations to them
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*