My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
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Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th