I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
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Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?