My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
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Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
opening twitter today