*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
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wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
(True)
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]