What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
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them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭