I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
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Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
Sunday
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it